Knowing Me, Knowing You – Episode 2
Alan’s Guests: Daniella Forrest, Petty Officer Alan Partridge, Tony Le Mesmer, Tania Beaumont and Gary Barker
Alan: A-ha! Welcome. Welcome to, Shhh. Welcome to “Knowing Me, Knowing You” with me, Alan Partridge. It’s a chat show, Jim, but not as we know it (Drum roll). Well, well it’s official, this show is a smash hit sensation. A corking copper-bottom hit. Those aren’t my words, they are the words of Mike Taylor from “TV Quick”.
Of course, of course, there have been one or two dissenting voices, the clever clog papers; Independent, Telegraph, Guardian, Observer, Mail on Sunday. They’ve been a bit sniffy. One review in particular caught my eye. Philip Parsons in The Times called this show “moribund”. Well, I looked up moribund in my dictionary, and it said “Moribund, adjective, meaning about to die, or dying”. I ask you “is this show about to die?”
Alan: Thank you!. So, Mr Philip Parsons from behind the times. That proves that you are wrong. The show is very much alive, and live. Because tonight, I will be brining you another TV chat show first. As I, Alan Partridge, will allow myself to be strapped to a spinning wheel of death. And have knives thrown at me. Is that moribund? No! (Audience also reply with ‘No’). No, you don’t shout that. So, please welcome my un-moribund, merry band, my house band. Glen Ponder and Debonaire.
Alan: Knowing me Alan Partridge, knowing you Glen Ponder, a-ha.
Alan: Knowing me Alan Partridge, knowing you Debonaire, a-ha.
Alan: Glen, I understand you’re looking for a new house at the moment.
Glen: Yeah, that’s right, Alan.
Alan: I bought a house this week in Mayfair for £500.
Glen: Really, Alan?
Alan: Yes. I was playing Monopoly! Erm, but erm. Seriously Glen, you are looking for somewhere aren’t you?
Glen: Chiswick area.
Alan: Yeah, Chiswick’s nice. Nice. Glen Ponder and Debonaire
Alan introduces his first guest:
Alan: Was that chat moribund, I don’t think so. So, now, my first guest is intelligent, witty, a woman of the world with a figure that would stop the traffic dead, both ways on the M1 if she were to wiggle across the footbridge at Toddington Service Station. She’s a quality guest, from top to bottom, and back up again. Please welcome the new agony aunt from Playboy magazine, stay tuned, the very lovely Daniella Forrest.
Alan: Ahh! Isn’t she lovely!? Eh? Yes! Pheo-phoo! Isn’t she lovely. Ahh. I nearly forgotten, knowing me Alan Partridge, knowing you Daniella Forrest, a-ha.
Alan: Oooooooh! Well that’s the sexiest “a-ha” I’ve ever had. Actually, I just forgot, I normally kiss my guests when they first come on. It’s just a thing I do. Not the men, I give them a firm handshake. Can we do that… just do the kiss? Quickly?
Daniella: Oh, sure. Where do you want to kiss me, Alan? Peachy cheek or little round mouth?
Alan: Little round mouth.
Daniella: Come on then. You going to kneel down?
Daniella: Right down.
Alan: Yes. (Daniella kisses Alan, he’s mesmerized). Oooh.
Daniella: Pop back in your seat.
Alan: Yes. Erm, right. Now, Daniella Forrest, you are Playboy’s agony aunt. And you’ve also just published your autobiography.
Daniella: “Luck Be A Lady”
Alan: “Luck Be A Lady”, there it is (Alan holds up the book) That’s the book. There we go. It’s your autobiography, it’s published by Jones, never heard of them. What comes across very strongly is your understanding of male psychology.
Daniella: Well, I think I understand men because I adore them.
Alan: And what, as a woman, do you look for in a man?
Daniella: Power is attractive. Sensitivity (Alan looks at her attentively). Sense of humour (Alan smiles). I like a man who knows who he is.
Alan: I’m Alan Partridge, carry on.
Daniella: You know, I think the most important thing that I look for in a man is a fit young body, like a Greek god.
Alan: (Looks disappointed) Right. Erm. Now you also help people with their sexual problems. Let me give you a hypothetical problem. There’s a couple. They’ve been married fifteen-sixteen years, maybe more. And they’ve never slept.. neither of them have ever slept with anyone else. Well, she has, she’s…. on one occasion she, erm, she said it was a mistake. PE teacher at the local primary school. He on the other hand, has been faithful. Solid as a rock. He’s been tempted, believe me he’s had offers. But he’s never strayed.
Daniella: And he’s frustrated?
Alan: Yes, deeply. But that’s only part of the problem. the real problem is that their sex life is, well for one to a better word, moribund.
Daniella: People need to explore their sex lives if they’re not working, you know. If it’s not working in the bedroom, bring it into the living room. Or the kitchen.
Alan: Yeah, well they tried that but the dog just wandered in. It was very off putting.
Daniella: You see, some people, they find it very sexy to be watched.
Alan: Not by the dog! I mean, Montgomery was frightened, he was just barking.
Daniella: Who’s Montgomery?
Alan: The man who masterminded the battle of El Alamein. And the name of this hypothetical dog.
Daniella: Have you got a dog, Alan?
Daniella: And what’s his name?
Daniella: Well, perhaps you should get Rommel involved in your sex life.
Alan: No, he’s too old. He’s blind in one eye. Can’t control his bladder.
Daniella: No, no. You’re taking me too literally. Once again, here is a man shying away from discussing sex. When I was a man I used to have the same problem. But as a woman, I find that I am liberated.
Alan: Well, I’m very pleased for you. Now. (Alan just realised what Daniella has said) Hang on a minute, who was a man?
Daniella: When I was a man.
Alan: What are you talking about?
Daniella: Well, you have read my book?
Alan: Yeah, yes. No, no, I never read the books. Who was a man?
Daniella: Who did you think Daniel was? In the photographs?
Alan: I thought that was your twin brother.
Daniella: I was Daniel. I used to be a man. (Alan is shocked) I can’t believe you didn’t know.
Alan: I kissed you!
Daniella: Why did you invite me on your show?
Alan: I thought you were sexy. I don’t now, you’re a bloke, I’ve got a good mind to knock your block off.
Daniella: I’m a woman! I have breasts.
Alan: Oh god. You should be in a circus.
Daniella: Well, you’ll be in the front row. (Daniella walks off stage)
Alan: Yeah, there she goes. There HE goes I should say. (Daniella walks back on stage) What do you want? NO! (Daniella gives Alan a huge kiss)
Daniella: A-ha! (Walks off stage again)
Alan: On your way! I knew there was something dodgy about you. Your hands are a give away. You’ve got great big flapping hands, like a bloke. You could be a goalkeeper! Glen, did you know it was a man?
Alan: Debonaire, did you know it was a man?
Alan: Yeah, everyone knew apart from old muggins Partridge. Ladies and gentlemen, Dan Forrest, Dan the man Forrest.
Alan introduces a new section of his show:
Alan: It’s time now, for a new regular feature of the series called “Knowing Me Alan Partridge, Knowing You Another Alan Partridge”. In which I meet an ordinary member of the public who shares my name. And is therefore entitled to membership of that exclusive club, Club Alan Partridge. This weeks other Alan Partridge works on a Sealink ferry. So, please welcome, Petty Officer Alan Partridge.
Alan: Knowing me Alan Partridge, knowing you Petty Officer Alan Partridge, a-ha.
Petty Officer Partridge: A-ha.
Alan: Now, Alan. You work on the Sealink ferry from Liverpool to Dublin (Petty Office Partridge has a facial tick, which kicks in). I imagine that’s the kind of job where there is an awful lot of camaraderie between (Facial tick) the erm… Is that the case (Facial tick occurs and Alan starts laughing) What do you keep doing that with your face for?
Petty Officer Partridge: Oh, it’s a tick, I’ve got a facial tick.
Alan: I’m sorry, I had absolutely no idea.
Petty Officer Partridge: No, it’s all right Alan. I’ve had it since I was a kid.
Alan: Ok, fine. Now Alan Partridge, I imagine your work mates tease you and josh with you. Is that the case?
Petty Officer Partridge: Yeah, yeah. They call me “Tick Tock”.
Alan: Why is that?
Petty Officer Partridge: Because of me tick.
Alan: No, god, no. I meant do they tease you because your name’s Alan Partridge?
Petty Officer Partridge: Oh, no, no.
Alan: I don’t want to dwell on the tick, It doesn’t bother me. What you choose to do with your face is your choice. It’s fine, I like it. It suites you, it’s good (Facial tick) There it is again. Erm, ok. I’m going to present you with this now. It’s the Alan Partridge tie and… (Facial tick) Oh that was a big one! The Alan Partridge tie and blazer badge combination pack. There we go, you take that.
Petty Officer Partridge: Thank you. Hey, I’ll put the tie on if I can keep me head still, eh?
Alan: (Bursts out with a nervous laugh) What a marvelous sense of humour. What a triumph for the human spirit. Ladies and gentlemen (Alan waits for the facial tick) Alan Partridge, marvelous, yes! Go on, go. Go go!
Alan introduces his next guest, Tony Le Mesmer:
Alan: Last night, I met a man who quite literally changed my life. He made me think, laugh and cry in wonderment. I, along with many others witnessed his mystical powers last night at the London Palladium. Please welcome magician hypnotist, Tony Le Mesmer.
(Tony enters and does some magician tricks to the sound track of Oxygene IV by Jean Michel Jarre)
Voiceover: Ladies and gentlemen, enter the mysterious domain of Tony Le Mesmer. (Tony heads over to a cage on wheels) Behold the cage of Katmandu. (Tony passes a handkerchief through the cage) The void of solitude. (Tony does a little hand movement) The dance of Diabalos. (the cage is covered over with a black cloth) The shroud. (Tony and his assistants twist the cage around) The forces turn upon their axis. (Tony raises his hands as if to call the gods) The summoning of the spirits of Talamahus. (The assistants pull back the cloth and reveal a blonde woman in the cage. Alan walks over, clearly impressed by the young blond woman).
Alan: Marvelous. Marvelous. Tony, how did you do that?
Tony: Simple, Alan. The power of the paranormal.
Alan: Right. It’s not a lever or anything?
Alan: Well, you tell us more about that now. (Turns to the blonde woman) Tina, I’ll see you later for the wheel of death. Off you go. (Tina walks off) Very nice. Now, that IS a woman. Tony.. Tony Le Mesmer!
(Alan and tony go and sit down)
Alan: Knowing me Alan Partridge, knowing you Tony Le Mesmer, a-ha.
Alan: Buddha, the Dali Lama, Nostradamus, that man The Beatles went to see, Uri Geller, and now Tony Le Mesmer. What is it about you lot, that sets you apart from mere mortal men like me, Alan Partridge?
Tony: We are all shamen on a spiritual quest. And we travel on this journey using the energy of the life force.
Alan: Right, now. This life force can take many forms, presumably be it transcendental meditation, bending spoons or producing a lady in a cage.
Tony: That’s exactly right, Alan. What we all do, we are all channelers. We channel energy from within to without.
Alan: Right. Now I’m going to try and pin you down here. Can you be more specific?
Tony: I am a man who harnesses the harmony that is within us all.
Alan: Hmm, now that’s more vague. I want you to be more specific.
Tony: Let me put it like this, Alan. We have within us a consciousness. Which is only partially realised. I want us to realise it fully to exploit all the hidden recesses that are within us.
Alan: Now, I think I know what you mean. You saying that I, Alan Partridge were to harness the harmony or spirits within me, and therefore and then beings around me and somehow channel that energy up some sort of tubular conduit of consciousness into a cloud of. I’m sorry, I’ve absolutely no idea what I’m talking about. I’m completely lost. Now last night, at the London Palladium, you did a fantastic show. the highlight for me was when you hypnotised twenty people, and got them to simulate sex to “Hi Ho Silver Lining”. Fantastic. Great.
Tony: That’s really an example of how I get people to realise their inner potential, Alan.
Alan: There’s a marvelous bit where you had two men in their underpants barking like dogs.
Tony: It’s their sub-conscious desire that is coming to the fore. That’s why I’m interested in the whole world of dreams.
Alan: Ah right. Now you’re being interesting. Because I often have a recurring dream in which I am an owl.
Tony: When you are an owl, how do you feel different?
Alan: Smaller. More agile. Able to fly.
Tony: Well perhaps that means you want more freedom. And what else can you do as an owl?
Alan: Now, I can rotate my head 360 degrees. Which is a real boom when you’re driving, because it eliminates the blind spot.
Tony: Ok, ok. Anything else you can do as an owl?
Alan: Yes. I can emit pellets.
Tony: I can’t help you there, sorry, Alan.
Alan: No? Oh well. If anyone can shed any light on that, why I, Alan Partridge might want to emit pellets as an owl. Drop us a line into the usual address, and don’t forget to mark your envelope with the word “Pellets”. We’re going to have a bit of fun now. Because Tony you are going to hypnotise me.
Tony: That’s right Alan, yes.
Alan: Ok, well this may take a few minutes, so don’t worry if it… (Tony Le Mesmer is counting down, five, four, three, two, one) …takes some time (Alan falls into a trance)
Tony: Ladies and gentlemen, Alan Partridge is now totally hypnotised. Totally in my control. Is that not so, Alan?
Tony: Let’s just put that to the test, shall we. Alan, when I say the word “owl” I want you to be that owl you mentioned a moment ago, emitting a pellet, and feeling very happy with yourself. Owl.
Alan: (Makes an owl sound) Oooooo. (Improvises laying a pellet, then looks all smug) Ooooo.
Tony: Excellent. Now, whenever you hear the word “A-ha”, I want you to be a little scary monster. A-ha.
Tony: Very good. Stop. Now, Alan, if you could make love to any woman in the world, apart from your good lady wife. Who would that be?
Alan: Ursula Andress.
Tony: Ursula Andress, ok. When I click my fingers, I want you to see me as Ursula Andress. (Clicks fingers)
Alan: Ursula! I’ve always wanted to meet you, I can’t believe it’s you. I like the bikini, very nice. I love all your films, I’ve got all of them. From “Dr No” right through to, all the others.
Tony: Enough of this, Alan. Is there somewhere we can go where we can make mad passionate love?
Alan: Oh, god. Erm, yes. The Moat House hotel in High Wycombe. They know me there, they’re very discreet. You’ll love it, it’s got a twenty-four hour carvery.
Tony: Stop. Alan, when I click my fingers again, we’ll be in your car on the way to High Wycombe. (Clicks fingers)
Alan: Take about fifteen-twenty minutes, that’s all.
Tony: Can we just pull over now and make love in a lay-by? Please, Alan.
Alan: I can’t stop on the motorway. It’s the hard shoulder, it’s illegal.
Tony: But Alan, I’m begging you please.
Alan: Ursula, it’s an offence to stop on the hard shoulder unless there is a malfunction with the car.
Tony: Alan, I’m taking my top off, please.
Alan: Look. If I get caught in flagrante whilst violating the Highway Code, my wife will find out, I’ll get three points on my license, my insurance premium could go up by thirty percent. That’s not going to happen. Now put your top on and get out. Go, go. Get out.
Tony: Wake up.
Alan: Well as I say, it will take a few seconds before I’m totally hypnotised…
Tony: It’s all over, Alan.
Alan: You’ve hypnotised me?
Tony: Yes, all finished.
Alan: Really? Well I hope you didn’t make me look too foolish!
Tony: Of course I didn’t, Alan.
Alan: Well, erm, Tony. We’ll see you later for the wheel of death. Simply remains for me to say, thank you very much, Tony Le Mesmer.
Alan moves onto his next guests, Gary Barker and Tania Beaumont:
Alan: Now, Hollywood is much much more than nine big letters on a hill. It’s a sexy, dangerous place. A hustling wheeling dealing kinda town, where money talks and nonsense walks. I’ve never been there. But my next guests have. Because they are British married couple of actors who live and work in tinsel town, state side. I want to get to know them. I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do. Please welcome, Gary Barker and Tania Beaumont.
Alan: Ah. Knowing me Alan Partridge, knowing you Tania Beaumont, a-ha. Grrrr!
Alan: Grrrr! And knowing me Alan Partridge, knowing you Gary Barker, a-ha. Grrrr!
Alan: Grrrr! Now unusually, you requested to come on to my show. And fortunately the scheduled guest, Ian McShane, TV’s “Lovejoy” had to pull out at the last minute due to an emergency. He’s had to fly to Spain, to do a coffee advert. Now, you’ve asked to come on to make a public statement. This is your platform, please be my guest(s).
Tania: Well, erm, as you know, Alan, there has been a lot of speculation in the press about the state of our marriage.
Alan: Yeah, well I know, I mean I’ve had that kind of bad treatment in the press myself. Do you know Philip Parsons on The Times? He described the show as moribund. You know. And Philip Parsons, if you’re watching, in five minutes time I will be strapped to a wheel of death. And you will have a plate, with some words on it and a knife and fork. Sorry, Tania.
Tania: Well, we just wanted to….
Alan: What I’m trying to say is you’re gonna eat your words. Sorry. Tania.
Tania: We really just want to say to the tabloid press, look you know we’re very much married. Erm, there’s a lot of real news out there. There’s poverty, there’s homelessness. Please, you know, report that. Leave us alone, we’re just ordinary people who happen to make movies.
Alan: Lovely. Lovely. Gary, do you want to add anything?
Alan: Are you all right? I’m just wondering about the glasses. You’ve not got a sty or anything?
Alan: Erm, Tania. Sorry, is he wearing them to look cool?
Tania: Yes he is.
Alan: Gary, like the glasses. Very cool, where d’ya get them.
Gary: Auction. They were James Deans shades. He died in them.
Alan: Really. They look quite small. No wonder he lost control of the car! (Gary looks disgusted) No? Now, you’ve both just flown in from Hollywood. What’s it like to be back in good old London?
Tania: Oh, it’s such a relief to be back here amongst ordinary people.
Alan: Where are you staying?
Tania: The Savoy.
Alan: Marvelous. Who’s paying?
Gary: You are.
Alan: Really? (Turns to the production team) Is that true, are we paying? Yes, yes we are. Well, enjoy yourselves. Just, easy on the room service! Chicken in a basket, that’s your lot! No, seriously, have a drink. Just don’t go mad, that’s all. Some people they empty the mini bar into a carrier bag. That’s not on. I’ll tell you something. We had Roger Moore on the show the other week. And between you and me, if it wasn’t nailed to the floor, it was going back to Switzerland. He even took a towel. Roger Moore is a towel thief.
Tania: He’s my godfather.
Alan: Really? He’s a lovely man. Erm. Gary… But he is a towel thief. …Gary, erm, you are known as the wild man of Hollywood. Some of the wild things you’ve done, and I’ve got some here. Now, Gary, believe it or not, he’s sawed the head off Warren Beatty’s Oscar. Marvelous. He drove a Harley Davidson motorcycle into Bruce Willis’ patio doors. What else have you done?
Gary: Punched Jessica Tandy.
Alan: Yeah, that was nasty. That was nasty. It says you also threw Whoopi Goldbergs copper kettle at a cat.
Gary: No, no. Other way round.
Alan: You threw a cat at Whoopi Goldbergs copper kettle?
Gary: No, no. I threw a copper kettle at Whoopi Goldbergs cat.
Alan: That’s what I said.
Gary: No, you said I threw Whoopi Goldbergs copper kettle at a cat. I didn’t, I threw a copper kettle at Whoopi Goldbergs cat. (Alan is looking confused) It wasn’t Whoopi Goldbergs copper kettle.
Alan: Right. It was Whoopi Goldbergs cat. So who’s copper kettle was it?
Gary: Jessica Tandy’s.
Alan: Was this before or after you punched her?
Gary: About the same time. The incidents were related.
Alan: Ooooh. Oh dear. Erm, Tania. Has he ever thrown a copper kettle at you?
Tania: No, no. It’s one of the few things he’s never thrown at me.
Alan: Right. (Mutters to himself) Tania’s breasts. Now. Sorry, that’s just my notes. Now, you’re one of those great actresses who, if the role demands it, you’re quite prepared to expose yourself.
Tania: Well I’m glad you value my acting so highly.
Alan: I do. Your name attached to a film is a seal of quality. It’s a guarantee that says “Come along, see the film lads. You won’t go home empty handed”.
Tania: I really think that my films are more than just titillation.
Alan: Hmm. I can only suggest that if you wish to go and see Tania’s unexpurgated adult breast show, that you pop down to the local cinema. Or marry her!
Gary: That’s no guarantee.
Tania: Grow up.
Gary: I am growing up.
Tania: Well act it. You’re an actor I believe.
Alan: Good point actually, Tania. Gary, we were going to show a clip from one of your films. But the last film you did was an action film three years ago, that starred Bill Seager. And I’ve never heard of him.
Gary: Well, I’ve never heard of you.
Alan: I’m Alan Partridge. Let’s talk about what you did before you went into acting, that’s easier. Erm, Gary, Tania tipped us off about this. I believe you used to be a mobile office equipment maintenance engineer.
Tania: Well, three years.
Gary: Got the sack.
Alan: No, you’re lying. You were awarded mobile office equipment maintenance engineer of the month. Well done. I’ve actually got a broken photocopier at my office in Norwich. do you think you can fix that?
Gary: You think I’m going to go to Norwich to mend your photocopier.
Alan: There’s no need, because Mohammed has moved the mountain to you! It’s not literally a mountain, it’s a photocopier. Although coincidentally it was driven here in a white Bedford Astramax by a man called Mohammed. Please, bring on the broken photocopier.
(A photocopier is wheeled on stage)
Alan: Gary. Gary, we’ve got the photocopier. Will you rise to Alan’s challenge and mend it?
Tania: Just do it.
Alan: (To audience) Do you want him to mend the photocopier?
Alan: I don’t believe you can mend it.
Gary: Of course I can mend it.
Alan: I don’t believe you.
Gary: What model is it?
Gary: Mono or multi feed?
Alan: Mono feed.
Alan: Prove it. (Gary rises to the challenge)
Gary: Yeah, it hasn’t been reset after a paper jam. It’s basic. That’s interesting, see this (points to a compartment on the photocopier) Where do you put your paperclips?
Alan: Just normally just around, on the table.
Gary: Yeah, they get lost. Stick ’em there.
Alan: How will they stay there?
Gary: How will they stay?
Alan: That’s interesting.
Gary: Nice little feature.
Alan: Yeah I know, it is.
Gary: Worth knowing. Yeah, it’s a good machine this. There you go, should have no trouble. I don’t do that shit anymore!
Alan: Oh look he’s mended it! Wow! Fabulous. Well, Gary. Gary not to worry, I’m going to put the smile back on your face, because I’m going to present you with an Alan Partridge tie and blazer badge combination pack. There you go. Tania, domestic tip. When you’re stitching that on, it’s got an adhesive behind it. so in actual fact you can simply iron it on…
Alan: …And then do the stitching later…
Alan: It’s labour-saving (Gary sets fire to the tie) What are you doing? For god sake!
Gary: Just burst into flames!
Alan: What did you do that for?
Gary: Spontaneous combustion.
Alan: You’ve ruined it.
Alan: How much did those glasses cost?
Gary: Fifteen-thousand dollars. (Alan goes to take Gary’s glasses) You touch them I’ll break your legs. (Tania takes the glasses) What are you doing, get… (And breaks them) You stupid bitch.
Tania: I’m stupid? I’m stupid? You’re sitting there with a spider on your head, and I’m stupid. I mean, what a pathetic thing to do.
Gary: These are my James Dean…
Tania: I don’t give a toss.
Gary: These were James Dean’s glasses.
(Tania and Gary continue to bicker)
Alan: You’re watching “Knowing Me, Knowing You” with Alan Partridge. Live chat as it happens.
Gary: Yeah, you’ve got a problem.
Tania: Shall I tell people what your problem is?
Gary: No, no. Don’t, don’t, don’t.
Tania: Shall I tell them:
Gary: Don’t, don’t.
Tania: You know what Gary’s problem is?
Alan: No, please tell me.
Tania: Well, Gary’s problem is that he is impotent.
Tania: Gary’s impotent.
Alan: Is this true, Gary? (Gary doesn’t reply) I’ll take that as a yes. Tania, that explains why you sleep around. That explains why you are know as “The Bike of Beverly Hills”. I think, this is quite a serious matter. Let’s change the tone and handle this in a rather more sensitive way. Let’s lower the lights. I think, really, it’s time that we ended this farcical facade of a marriage. Which I presume is unconsummated, Tania?
Alan: And, Gary?
Gary: Yeah, obviously.
Alan: Yes, yes of course, yes. Erm, the marriage is now being rent in twain, it’s been put asunder, it is moribund. So, as regards the Alan Partridge tie and blazer badge combination pack, which you destroyed. Don’t worry about that. Erm, we’ve got dozens of them. If you wish, I’ll send another one by first post to you. Would you like that? As a memento of this evening.
Gary: Yeah, that’d be nice.
Alan: Well, I think this has been a painful experience for all of us. Erm, it simply remains for me to say, knowing me Alan Partridge, knowing you Tania and Gary, a-ha. Grrrr.
Alan closes up the show with the wheel of death:
Alan: Well the wheel has turned full circle for Tania and Gary. But the wheels that turn this crazy, often unpredictable vehicle, my vehicle, my show. They keep turning, which brings me neatly onto the final section of the show which has to happen, nothing can stop that. As I rise to meet my own challenge. Alan Partridge on the wheel of death. Will you please welcome back, with his wheel of death, magic man Tony Le Mesmer and Tina.
Tony: Ladies and gentlemen. Every evening as part of my show, at the Palladium, which runs until the end of this month. I get a member of the audience up on to the stage and I ask them to overcome their fears on the wheel of death. Tonight, Alan, will be that person. How do you feel, Alan?
Alan: Confident. I am risking my life for chat. Oh Philip Parsons, if you’re watching, get a knife and fork and a plate. Put your words on that plate, add a bit of humble pie, and eat it.
Tony: Commence spinning the wheel of death.
Announcer: As the wheel of death commences in inexorable spin, Tony Le Mesmer prepares to unleash the deadly daggers of Damazon.
Alan: Erm, I’ve changed my mind. Sorry, I’ve changed my mind.
Alan: We’ll do it next week, there isn’t time, WE’LL DO IT NEXT WEEK (Tony starts to throw the daggers) God! Please! This is madness. Don’t, you stupid man! Please, god! No! All right, Philip Parsons of The Times, you are right, the show is moribund. Please! (Tony has finished throwing daggers) I’ve done it! On that bombshell, it’s time for me to say, knowing me Alan Partridge, knowing you freak woman-man. Knowing you the slut actress and Mr Floppy the actor. And knowing you Mr Looney Man with the knives. Goodnight and a-ha! Grrrr.
(As the credits start to roll, Alan is still on the wheel of death, which is still turning)
Alan: Get me off. Please. Can someone get me off now. I’ve done it. Can we get one of the researchers? Naomi? Get me off. Naomi there? Someone want to get me off? It’s over now. They’re wet, my trousers are wet!